{Blog #4} Opening up (or trying to, at glaciar pace)

I was a really open, straightforward child. I was unapologetic about my strong opinions and showed my emotions with wild abandon. I learned, much later than my peers and mainly due to bad experiences, that this was no way to operate in a civilized society. As my living situation at home grew progressively unbearable, as did my emotional distance from most of my old childhood friends, I became guarded. And proud. I wanted to be impenetrable, strong, independent. I couldn’t yet understand the value of resilience.

For a long time, this affected my desire to write. It was a vicious cycle: I needed to write (I did and do love it), but I couldn’t (I doubted I would ever show it to anyone, so was there a point? And what if it all sucked?), and I didn’t want to share it with anyone (I was afraid of their opinion of my writing, and worse, of me). I had worked so hard to seem invulnerable that my ego became a fragile thing, so easily bruised. 

Last year I decided this was no way to live. Not only will I always have to write proposals and applications, I also have a genuine desire to write professionally. I need to become comfortable with the idea of being on the receiving end of criticism. I need to embrace vulnerability not as a weakness but as an opportunity. 

I have begun sharing my original writing again, and it has not been easy but I’ve done it. I want to get better at it, I am working on it day after day. It might not amount to much yet, but it’s enough for now. Eventually, I hope I will be able to share it on a larger scale. Dare I say, even publish. 

In this spirit, I have decided to undertake the Book Nerd Tokyo prompts for self-expression, as a way of both putting myself “out there” and effectively writing every single day. I shall upload the whole week every Sunday (so as to not interrupt my regular bookish upload schedule), and I hope someone reading this finds it somewhat inspiring and is moved, perhaps, to do the same and/or reach out across the cyberspace. 

Read me next week ;3